CHORUS:
Clap, herpes, HPV
If you don’t wanna get it, don’t fuck me!
Clap, gonorrhea, hep C
If you don’t wanna get it, don’t fuck me!

Sex, ya know if feels nice,
It’s squishy and delish-y, but it comes with a price
Cause there are little tiny people with their microscopic dreams
To live inside your genitals and do unpleasant things

Like bitin “and” fightin “and” they burrow in your holes
And it makes you “itchy, scratchy” like the stuff between your toes
Ya got a little blister cause ya gave a little head?
Well, aids makes you die, and dying makes you dead!

Because we did it with a “hey” and we tried a little “hey”
And I think it made me “happy” and I know it made me “gay”
Now I’m itchin in my “hey” and I’m burning when I “hey”
So I went to the doctor, now I have to say…

CHORUS

All night lovin’ won’t do ya no harm
Cause your one true love is at the end of your arm
And in the morning here’s a warning and it ain’t good
Not mourning meaning sad but morning wood!

Lonely night’s all right, so why does it seem wrong?
No clap for you except for in the Friends theme song
It doesn’t hurt when I pee, but don’t be like me
Cause the only thing I’m catching is virginity

I got some threads, made some bread, so the girlies won’t say no
Swappin’ fluids like the druids, and I did it my way, yo
But Sinatra never taught ya not to spray and pray, so
Now I’m oozing like a science fair volcano

People in the movies always “unhh” onscreen
And you never see a condom yet they’re always pristine
Cut to me, “Aghhh!!” ice pack on my ween
And I’m cursing Scorsese cause my dick turned green

CHORUS

If you wanna lose your cherry but you wanna keep your health
It’s a condom, not a bomber, so remember, “don’t stealth!”
Last night you were chillin, "pimpin," cuttin loose,
Now you’re snorting penicillin, chugging cranberry juice

So you shave your ass to get rid of the crabs
But a bandaid won’t cover up them scabs
You got mediocre syphilis and super gonorrhea
And a super duper “bad case of diarrhea”

Dirty… I’m so dirty…
You’re all clean, and so purty

Ya got warts in your shorts and goobs in your pubes
And you really really wish that you had tied those tubes
You got a little piece of rubber that you never did use
And now you’re a statistic on the evening news

CHORUS

I’d like to introduce a magic parasite,
And you’ll know it’s wrong cause it'll feel so right
It’s just you and “twins” and a whisky and sprite,
And the invisible worm that flies in the night

You have been colonized, you got a body full
Opportunistic infections, I learned in school
Most of your problems are gynecological
Bio-systemic and pharmacological
Syphilis, herpes, and super chlamydia
Living it up in your cum…
“You could all get some”

Cause the sun makes you redder, and the river makes you wetter
Gonorrhea makes you wish you never met ‘er!

I want… to put something into you
I think… my penis should probably do

Chlamydia chlamydia, oh have you chlamydia?
Would ya tell me if you actually knew?
You’ll walk on broken glass to see
The parts from which I poo and pee
But a condom is too much for you

CHORUS

The ladies wanna do me cause I’m on the big screen
Drop their pants for a chance just to be my queen
But fame's short, life is shorter, thanks to my peen
And I’m cursing myself cause there was a vaccine!

Any scientist will tell you, but you somehow don’t agree
That a prophylactic’s sanitary
Now you’re hurting and you’re squirting and it burns when you pee
And now you’ll never have sex again, cause you’re so nasty

Dirty… I’m so dirty…
You’re all clean, and so purty

The math is simple baby, it’s you plus me
But a variable's in there, speaking algebraically
The solution ain’t as easy as "one two three"
Cause I got hepatitis A, B, and C!

Come on, just this once, let’s not wear that thing
It doesn’t feel the same… “But I’m ovulating!”
Cause Adele makes you cry, and Marijuana makes you high
And papilloma makes you wish you never met that guy

Yo, I don’t need a rubber, I’m a good luck charm
No latex, polyurethane, or cause for alarm
Sure my dingy’s got a thingy and my temperature’s warm
But… “my love won’t do you no harm…”

But my penis will

CHORUS

If you’ve already got it….
Might as well
Fuck me!